


What If When He Sees Me,

by Dedevil



Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Body Image, Canon-Divergent Ryder, F/F, F/M, Insecurity, Just gals being pals, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, mentions of abuse, only slightly tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-19 22:25:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11907450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dedevil/pseuds/Dedevil
Summary: What if he doesn't like it?You don't realize you want things, like friends and relationships, until they're suddenly unavailable. A look into Faunia Ryder's reaction to her teammates flirting, and her fear of being seen as inadequate to both.





	What If When He Sees Me,

“Say, Jaal. You smell really nice! Like, not just now. Always.”

Faunia feels her brows furrow at the… odd break of silence. She agrees and all, but she wasn’t going to _say_ anything, much less did she think to now of all times.

“Thank you. I like to–hm… I take pride in all aspects of my person. I like to smell nice.”

“Well, I think it’s great. Where do you get it?”

“I make it,” _Of course he does,_ because Jaal is a man of a variety of knowledge, and many talents to go with it. “Is tinkering with alcohols and plant essences that different from making explosives?”

“…Yeah, kinda.”

Faunia snorts to herself in the front seat, less to Jaal or Peebee and more to the… topic in general. Jaal’s scent, of all things, what a weird thing to bring up.

But then it gets weirder.

“You’re so alive, Peebee. More than the others of your species I’ve met.”

It’s incredibly apparent to Faunia, like she’s hypersensitive to the thought, that nothing has instigated this. Uh.

“I think you’re fascinating! Angara are so open with their feelings.”

Uhhhhh.

This feels a little like flirting, she realizes, wishing she had her helmet on to hide away and that she could will away this sinking-gut-feeling she can’t make heads or tails of.

“This is a little uncomfortable.” she finally voices.

“Hmph,” she hears Jaal huff, disappointed. “And humans, as we can see, are _not._ ”

Her gut-feeling is sent crashing like a plummeting elevator shaft. Faunia’s ashamed of how much that hurts her feelings. So she shuts her mouth, unwilling to betray that that effected her, berating herself for saying anything in the first place. Why shouldn’t she let them flirt, especially when Peebee always does, and Jaal always has a compliment or nine prepared? She can’t decipher as to why she cared enough to even speak on it.

And then it’s weirder.

“Peebee. Have you ever wondered–”

“If asari can reproduce with the angara? Hell yes I have!”

UH.

Faunias foot kicks at the break and has the Nomad making a half-hearted stop, jolting everyone and herself forward before she fumbles with straightening the vehicle, herself, and muttering a quick curse. If they think of it as anymore than a road bump, they don’t say anything, because they continue on.

“Oh. Uh. Wait, you have?” Jaal parrots her thoughts aloud, but she can hear the wistful smile that Faunia is a million miles away from feeling. “I have too.”

The blood in her face ices over, icicles of dread growing off the veins in her face.

“The implications are profound. It suggests that the universe is holistic, that you are… meant to be here.”

“Is this a proposition, Jaal?”

She feels as though shes suddenly faded away like invisible ink right in her seat, there being the confirmation. They’re driving high speed down this road and she’s being left in their dust.

“I… don’t understand.”

“Should we find out if we’re reproductively compatible?”

“I… _Uh…_ ”

Peebee laughs, just then. “Just a harmless flirt, my friend.”

 _Hey, Jaal, I wanna bear your children. Sike! Just kidding, unless you’re into that._ She’s screaming inside. The bitterness that forms is followed by an even bigger wave of shame, Faunia a little afraid of her apparent aversion to her crewmates sleeping with each other. Or these particular crewmates sleeping with each other.

Or what it implies about her own feelings.

 

* * *

 

After said mission, she starts finding Peebee hovering around Jaal’s makeshift room rather than her own makeshift room, nor even on the upper deck perched on the railing to spectate on everyone. Which has Ryder fucked up because, considering Peebee claims to like keeping herself to herself, she wouldn’t expect her on the ground floor where everyone can spectate on her. Or where Jaal can spectate her.

Their personalities clash so much, she didn’t realize that they were similar in that aspect. Now, ironically enough, a part Peebee’s presence feels missing; no more prodding questions followed by sarcasm, or extravagant tall tails too ridiculous to be true, or game of cat and mouse. Peebee isn’t around to bug her anymore.

“And you’re sure you haven’t seen it?” she hears her ask Cora, of all people.

“Your remnant scrap is your business.” Remnant scrap? The one Peebee made her go fetch for her? She _lost_ it?

“Suit yourself. Jaal will help me find it,” There’s a coyness to her grin, a wiggle of her hips, as she skips herself towards Jaal–as if she already knows she’ll soon have him wrapped around her finger. “Won’t you, Jaal?”

He looks up from the blue orb at his wrist, eyes as bright as ever, smile crawling on his face that's just _so damn pleased._ "If I can borrow it for a sketch, consider it found."

Faunia suddenly forgets about the rem-tech and the soon-to-be-snapping she had planned on doing, trying not to walk too quickly as she leaves the room.

 

* * *

 

 

At the very least, she’s deciphered that, well. It’s not jealousy.

Jealousy would mean she thought of the rifleman as some sort of possession of her’s, and that she felt another sort of resentment for the scientist. Which she doesn’t; Jaal’s never been hers to begin with, Peebee doesn’t owe her anything, and neither have done anything ever to deserve her ire (well, Peebee’s incredibly annoying, but she’s pushing her buttons anyway–).

“Why don’t you just ask?” she hears Vetra as she passes through the deck, and tries not to tense when she see’s it’s directed at Peebee.

“Because.”

“Because?”

"Just because!"

“Fine," Vetra relents, sighing, before turning to their good doctor. "Lexi, Peebee wants to take a look at Jaal's scans?"

She’s yet again fast-walking it out of ear shot, embarrassment exploding under her cheeks. No, it’s not jealousy. It’s just– She feels fucking _stupid,_ which is worse.

Peebee is fun, hilarious, gorgeous, and _asari_ , with her flat stomach and azure skin and the common knowledge of compatibility that parades around with her. Faunia has never found herself an attractive specimen, nothing worth attention to in a mirror–-she’s missing pieces, for Gods sake–-but next to Peebee those deep sea emotions surface to the top and terrorize her. Around her, it feels like everyone see’s her disfigurements under a microscope, gargantuan, imposing, and so so _ugly._

Maybe that was the whole point. People like Peebee just aren’t friends with people like Faunia. Having her fetch her trash for her, presenting her on the arm like a trophy, repeating over and over that _personal connections mean nothing_. Was she so desperate for approval that she was fooled by proclamations that she 'ruled'? She really didn’t realize she was Peebee’s ugly friend, meant to lure in a man for her?

And now that she has, they’ve stopped speaking. Her job is done. Faunia must be an idiot.

She walks into the upper deck, and then there’s the second half of the issue. Jaal, who asks a million questions, and has a million more poetics. Jaal, who is broad, looming, and intimidating, but somehow manages to speak so slowly and be so sentimental all at once. Jaal, who thinks with his heart and emits it right out of his chest, completely unabashed, like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Jaal, who expects the same of her and is left suspicious, or confused, or questioning.

Jaal, whose eyes make her feel lost where she stands, counting the little stars inside the pools of nebula. Jaal, who just looks back and _lets her_ , even now, across the railing.

He’s… different. _Kind_. She doesn’t know what to do with all the feelings he gives her.

Something whispers to her _he’ll forget all about you in a matter of seconds._

But it only hurts when she whispers back that she wasn’t worth remembering in the first place.

 

* * *

 

 

She really needs to kick the habit of procrastinating on all her reports, but she just sees so little point in it; dragging her feet through murderous planet after murderous planet, and then writing about dragging her feet through murderous planet after murderous planet. Addison had to call to chastise her, and now she finds herself in the Research Room, pulling an all nighter with a chair pulled up at the table, attempting to sound professional as she catches the Nexus up to speed.

_…activated the first monolith, which followed by a beam of light that will lead to the second one. My crew has theorized the possibilities of the monoliths created intentionally in the pattern of a puzzle. After that, my two crewmates started talking about having a family together literally in my backseat, and I’ve been emotionally compromised ever since. Like, that’s all it took. You guys are fucked._

“You’ve been one busy bee!” Speak of the devil. Ryder makes quick work of erasing what was typed as the archaeologist drags a chair over and plops herself beside her. “The directors riding your dick?”

“Yeah.” is all Faunia can manage to think of, not looking at the other.

“Or should I say… _ryding_ your dick? Eh?”

Faunia can’t find it within herself to laugh. Though, to be fair, she’s heard that one more times than she can count and 600 years hasn’t made it age any better.

Still, she can feel the asari’s pout. “Yeah, I told Jaal one like that today. He didn’t laugh either.”

The biotic tenses despite herself, fingers dancing across the keys in hopes to look natural in ways she doesn’t feel, not daring to look at Peebee’s face and see Jaal’s taste in aliens, in women, _everything you couldn’t be_ , instead of the person behind it.

“Speaking of which, how’re you getting on with everyone else?” she asks the asari, succeeding in sounding even, but chewing at herself for the question _maybe kind of sorta_ being bitter. Peebee’s done nothing wrong other than be far more likable than she is, which isn’t a hard feat to beat Faunia in in the first place; it’s not fair to blame her crewmate for her own insecurities.

“Interesting bunch. I get a good feeling from Vetra. Not your typical military-minded turian. Liam seems a lively one. I’ll expect he’ll surprise me–you know, if you ever took me out on the field,” There’s a playful presentation of the asari’s tongue to go with the jab, but it only sends a tense twitch to the biotics muscles. “Drack is…Well, old. Wonder if he can still learn new tricks. Gil smacks of complication–might take some unraveling. Kallo and Suvi seem–busy. I hope they aren’t all _work, work, work._ ”

Faunia suddenly finds herself hating her big fat mouth and it's dumbass questions. Where else would this have gone other than the dreaded subject consuming all her thoughts? Such guarded words Faunia has taught herself to speak, and yet she still manages to screw up.

“…and Jaal. I’m learning what makes him tick. We’re lucky to have an angara with us.”

“Mmhm.” her lips tighten around the sound, typing a little more furiously than she intends.

“Asari can mate with all Milky Way species. I find myself wondering if that transcends galactic boundaries.”

Her blood freezes over, not noticing when it reaches her fingers and stills their typing altogether. She’s heard this, was there for this conversation, but somehow being addressed in it makes it more real. It’s no longer just a little joke that went on a little too seriously, no longer too familiar friendliness, no longer a harmless flirt.

Peebee has a thing for Jaal.

“I’m certainly not looking to reproduce any time soon, but he seems like a good guy! What do you think?”

Peebee has a thing for Jaal, and is asking genuine, literal, advice about whether or not she should fuck him. From Faunia. She is confident enough that Jaal won’t refuse her to ask Faunia for advice first.

They’re both confident Jaal won’t refuse her.

She feels sick to her stomach, throat constricting, stomach cramping in half, aching, aching, aching. She doesn’t care, she doesn’t care, she doesn’t care.

“Should I go for it–”

“ _No._ ”

Absolute. Mortification.

She can’t believe that just shot out her mouth like a bullet, squeezing her eyes shut and cringing in hopes the ground will develop a black hole and swallow her. When it doesn't come, she finally looks to Peebee’s face as if the secret to turning back time will be written in her facepaint, but only finds the scientist with her brows raised high in surprise. If there’s a higher being, have mercy and strike her dead, right now, dear god please.

“Wait, why?” Then Peebee sits up from her place on her elbows, seemingly taking her answer as something serious. “Is there something, like…wrong with him?”

“ _No!!_ God, no. He’s–really nice…” A flush kisses her cheeks. More word vomit, but Faunia absolutely cannot allow her pettiness to escalate to that point. She won’t ruin his reputation so she can save her own.

“Okay, so, what’s the problem? Is there some fraternization policy I don’t know about? Would Jaal even count for that?”

“It’s not that.”

She’s back to not looking at Peebee, who seems to finally have taken notice to that particular bad habit, because she practically lays across to table to make the biotic look her in the eye.

“So what is it!? Why’re you being all weird?”

“It’s _nothing,_ Peebee.” Backed into a corner, she tries to scare the other away with a harsher tone, but Peebee is relentless.

“You can’t just let me go for it if he’s got like, a disease or something weird down there or something–”

“Get out of my face.”

“We’re best friends! If there’s this big reason I should stay away from him, I wanna know!”

“It’s because I’m selfish, okay!?”

The following silence is sudden, and deafening, and _mortifying,_ Peebee watching her like she’s trying to find a proper place for a puzzle piece as she sits back in her seat. Faunia didn’t think she could possibly hate herself more than she already does, but here she is. Maybe she can get Addison to murder her, effective immediately.

“Oh,” Peebee finally finds where the piece goes, and Faunia can only describe her grin as cat-like. “Ohhhhh.”

She denies. “Don’t.”

“You like him.”

And denies. “I said _don’t._ ”

“How about that? Not even our brooding Pathfinder can resist angaran charms.”

And then defends. “It’s not because I think he’s exotic, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

“ _Ew_ , and you’re serious about him!” She’s back to putting her elbows on the table, head in her hands, enjoying this far too much. “Why didn’t you tell me! I’d back off had I known you caught feelings for him.”

She scoffs. Oh, sure, because Peebee would suddenly let the Pathfinder get in the way of what she wants, or anyone else at all. She must truly think little of her, to not only milk out this humiliation, but to try to set Faunia up for a following one; she’s only waiting for the warning bells of the others laughter. “Thought strings were messy.”

“Well–They are,” Peebee almost looks guilty, as if all her big talk has come back to bite her, even as she stands by it. “But just because I’m old enough to be your great, great, great grandmother doesn’t mean I’m going to be–or a homewrecker, for that matter. I’m the last person here to ruin your fun, you know?”

“There’s no fun being had.”

“No?”

“No.” Faunia frowns, the report of run-on sentences and lack of brackets being abandoned for that night, console being powered down with a _click_. Of course, she wants Jaal to be with her. Just like she wants the Archon to drop dead, just like she wants to get along with her brother, just like she wants less venom spewed at her across the galaxy. In a perfect world, where any Gods in existence weren’t out to get her, maybe she’d get all that.

But Jaal is handsome, and warm, and caring, and just so wholeheartedly  _good_.

And she just isn’t.

Peebee chews on the silence, exasperated in her confusion just as she is at Faunia’s lack of expanding. “Am I missing something here? I thought you caught feelings for him?”

“I did–I do.”

“So you’re _not_ going to hop into bed with him?”

“Just look me.”

The truth hurts in her throat just as much as it hurts deep down in her bones, but it won’t be changed no matter how much she could pray it to. Even if she did have even the slimmest of chances with the rifleman, how could he be anything but disappointed in what he see’s? In who she is? Not only surrounded by the Initiative’s best and brightest, by a crew worthy of being called _supermodel soldiers_ , but around bright-eyed, family-loving, happy-to-be-here souls unlike herself.

She expects that to be the needle to burst Peebee’s composure, and for her to laugh or agree or something along the lines of the general _that makes sense. you’re a mess. you ruin everything,_  she hears so often. What she gets instead is Peebee’s ire.

“That’s total bullshit.”

“Huh?”

“I said that’s total bullshit! You think you're not good enough for Jaal? Or like, _anyone?_ With your biotic floating and big hair and–’ _oh look at me, I’m so mysterious and probably ride a motorcycle._ ’“

“I probably what now?"

"Ryder, you are like--the _coolest_ person I know. If you actually went after Jaal, you'd give everyone on this ship a run for their money."

"I..." Peebee has her dumbstruck, mouth opening just to close like a gasping fish. The biotic had expected a mean cheerleader scenario, had expected her father's voice clawing at the back of her brain confirming _see? everyone else thinks you're a terror too_ , not...to be advocated, encouraged, complimented. Clearing her throat, she hopes her blushing isn't too obvious. "I don't think Jaal cares much for cool points."

“Fine. Guess I'll have to set you two up then,” she finalizes, popping to her feet, making way around the table, towards her escape pod like a woman on a mission. That sets off an entirely different kind of fear in the biotic. Considering Peebee isn’t exactly subtle, just thinking if Jaal knew-–What if every time he looked at her, he thought about her dumb fucking crush on him? What if he see’s through her well-built walls? What if he’s grossed out by what he see’s? All the things she had to go through to learn to survive and she’s going to be done in by feelings for a boy–-

She catches the asari’s wrist a little too aggressively, halting her in the middle of another determined step. “You are absolutely not going to do that.”

“It’s too late. It’s already in motion. Just call me Cupid,” The other says with an almost bored expression, as if Faunia were a trend she was over with. “I’m going to get you _so_ laid.”

“What makes you think he’s going to be even hypothetically interested in me? You can only talk me up so much.” Faunia challenges, grip tightening, mere moments away from resorting to forcing the asari’s _stupid, perfect, purple_ mouth shut.

“If he’s not, well…” She pauses, cogs turning in her head as she looks her in the eye. There’s something new swimming in the blue skin of her face that looks more serious than Faunia thought possible for the asari, not a hint of a wolfish joke or a harmless flirt when Peebee finally speaks. “Fuck him. He’ll be stuck with all his moisturizing bottles, and I’ll have you all to myself.”

Faunia’s mind must go blank, because at some point Peebee slips from her steely fingers and leaves her there, alone and speechless in the dead of night. With a suddenly very empty chair beside her and a report lost from her mind. Wondering if she really just meant that. Wondering if that really just happened.

Wondering where she goes from this.

**Author's Note:**

> Fun Fact: i was actually not super jealous of peebee and jaal hitting on each other. mainly because their flirting went way over my head and, every time they spoke, I thought "Wow, they're so nice to each other! I'm so glad Jaal made a friend!" it had to take ryder saying she was uncomfortable for it to click for me.  
> I was more upset that I had to literally rip peebee out of my team just so jaal wouldn't fuck his new friend. rip.
> 
> but! it inspired this little fic. i wanted to write this scenerio less about jealousy, and more about a trauma victim's self-image issues. it's my first fic on here, so please be gentle with me.


End file.
